I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
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*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*