Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
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He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.