*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
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Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down