One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
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I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
he was correct
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.