fired
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SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Kids: Stay in school.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.