[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
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my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My favorite farside!!
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
They’re called werewolves.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.