Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
This is what makes twitter great
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I had to Stop for this
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend