friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
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My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
o shit
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy