Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
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Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Note to self: always read the final line
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.