Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
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DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Good news
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”