I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
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wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams