Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
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Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*