I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
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robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
good work, detective
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it