i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
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How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.