My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
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[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER