[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
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I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?