[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
How do you milk an almond?
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you