Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
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hey, alexa
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’