[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
You Might Also Like
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
*frowns in Scottish*
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?