[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
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pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
How it started: How it’s going:
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
He a real one for that
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin