“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
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This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Not my job 😂
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please