TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
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Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.