I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
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Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.