If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.