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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Body by Oreos