Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
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*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Autocorrect is my menesis
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I feel seen.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
lol
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance