[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
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Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.