[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
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6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My work here is done
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal