Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
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There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
No laws when master is gone
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.