“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”