Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
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My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Plant care tips
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”