Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
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Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.