I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
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Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
BRAKING NEWS!!
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Otters see a butterfly.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.