The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
every. time.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
North and South
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
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The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.