Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
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doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.