If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
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Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Meeeee too!
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.