boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
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[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!