Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
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judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*