I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
You Might Also Like
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
For anyone who needs this today
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Here’s a meme
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza