Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
You Might Also Like
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[being buried alive] you missed a spot