Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
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Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.