ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
accurate
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes