My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
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Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes