If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
You Might Also Like
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
A drum solo but on your face.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics