CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
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The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet