By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
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Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll