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cushion on the right slightly discoloured
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Best spot.. 😅
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
What my back needs
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork