Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
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Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Worlds greatest photobomb
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
War & Peace
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race