My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
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There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Happy Thanksgiving
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
technically true but not a great slogan
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.