Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
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How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets